Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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