Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
