you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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