I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
