Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
