Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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