I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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