your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
