OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
