I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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