make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
im holly from the hills drunk
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
