Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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