He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
