what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
