At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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