I feel like abortions should bother me more
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
