Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
