new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
