I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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