I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize