there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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