He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize