cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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