Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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