I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
