Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize