nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
wow bdsm is so cute
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
