also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
