You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize