there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
