Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
