butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
