Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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