Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
