dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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