I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
