Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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