the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
