8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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