I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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