he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
