Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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