There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I just shit out all my problems.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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