I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
