I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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