I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We have so much sex to catch up on
just found out that she named her cat after me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
