Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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