Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
