FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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