maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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