I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
