There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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