I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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