I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
