Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
