you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just cropdusted the office
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Be still, my beating vagina.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
