I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
