hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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