Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
