I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
wanna go halves on a baby?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize