i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
