At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize