Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
