I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
its liver damage thursday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
