i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
