yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
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