Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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